Currently listening to...

She Will Be Loved - Maroon 5

almost teared when the intro started playing. Better stop listening to this song.. if I listen to this while riding the motorcycle I might die...

My Feelings

Sadness, I learned, is an acceptable emotion.

Jesus wept. - John 11:35

It's okay to feel sad. It's okay to grieve, to mourn, etc.

But don't let it get to you.

Remember that God is always faithful.

God is the ultimate companion, the ultimate father, caregiver,

and that he sent you friends who can rejoice in your happiness, mourn for your grievances.

It's hard to rely on friends because sometimes they fail us, but remember, we fail them too.

We are but human, and this is why we serve God.

We can't be perfect, but He is.

But friends will love you and support you. They will PRAY for you.

Ultimately, put your hope in Christ, and wait upon the LORD.

Reminisce... Regret.. Regress.

This is how I lost more than I had ever won,
and honestly, I ended up with none.

The feeling of trying to chase too many things at once, just like when I was a kid playing tag and I tried to chase everyone around and it really didn't work out.

That's what it feels like.

I keep changing the target and honestly, in the end, I don't even know what I'm chasing after anymore.

What I started chasing, why I'm chasing what I'm chasing.

What to do... if I could go back in time I would.

If I could end time, I would.

But those two are improbable.

Thoughts

So the idea is that I will use this blog to post my thoughts, recollections, etc. etc., and I will use the other blog to post whatever rhymes or things I want to pen into creation...

It's been 3 days since Spring Quarter started, but first let me just say.. I passed Winter Quarter!

I can't believe how much stress Winter Quarter has put me through in the short but long 10 weeks.

Now it repeats itself all over again this quarter...

Just gotta focus and get work done.

But you know that feeling, the feeling in the back of your head...?

You want to pay attention in class, but something keeps popping up in your head?

And it's like my head is not designed for multitasking.. either I think about this thing or I listen to what the professor has to say...

Choices choices... I know the right choice yet I can't rightly choose the right choice.

I know it isn't time yet, and I sure hope that it isn't time yet.

Yet this feeling still gets to me, like a parasite that constantly sucks your attention away.

Whatever I do I do in thought of it.

I try to brush it aside, telling myself that it's nothing.

Yet why am I still haunted by it?

Company

When I long for company, I just take a walk backwards.

At least I get to see my own footsteps...

The Chase

Perhaps the greatest lesson I'm being taught is this.

Chase after those who chase other things, and you'll spend eternity chasing after nothing.

Chase after those who chase after you, and the chase will soon come to an end.

Do Not Fear Death Itself, But Whatever Comes Before

Riding a motorcycle gives ample opportunities for self-reflection.

What else can you do when it's just you?

It symbolizes what I desire.

To run away.

From everything in this world.

Without Me

Would the world become a better place?

I'm beginning to think so..

Irrevocable Illusion

Sometimes people seem much closer than they are.

It's a self-illusion.

Time to snap out of it.

Too late.

I'm too entranced.

Too far along this path of misconception.

Blessed To Be A Blessing

No matter how much you think about that phrase,

it doesn't quite strike a chord with you until you experience it.

Today was the first CCM Freshmen Accountability meeting.

I would like to say that it went well.

It was a small and humble start, and yet I know that God was here.

While I was taking out the trash to clean up my apartment in preparation for the meeting,

a revelation occurred. [Not quite, but I'll let it pass]

I thought, "What disgusting pieces of.." and then it hit me.

We are so disgusted by trash, yet we seldom remember that we, too, are trash.

How can I be disgusted by others when I, myself, am filthy in sin?

God looked upon the pieces of trash and said, these are my creation and I love them.

So too shall be how we should view others.

In light of this, let each other's vulnerability open up opportunity for encouragement,

so that we may grow as a community and learn to love one another as He have loved us.

God for life!

For A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words..

It must mean that this is worth a billion words.

AMADEUS

Loved by God, this is who I seek to be.

To be holy and pleasing, a source of glee.

Love Him and others as yourself, His decree.

From my cycle of sinning I will break free.

To be above reproach to all those who see.

To have the correct heart, this is the key.

Upon the root of God, I will grow my tree.

For this rock solid foundation, there is no fee.

My only wish, that He would not ask, "Who is he?"

Amadeus, loved by God. This name is for me.

As it is for you, this I hope you will get to see.

[Truly] Left Alone

I don't want to be left alone.

I wished that it's not too late.

What You Do In This Life Echoes In Eternity

"Bending down and reaching out for a handful of dirt in early morning.. rubbing it on your hands and then smelling it. What a manly thing to do..."

An insight into my life:

My walk with God is good. In all things, whether joyful or full of trials, I learn and thus grow.

I can see the lessons in the bad things, and am encouraged by the good things that happen.

Through my sadness I learn dependence. Through my happiness I earn a glimpse of my union with God.

Through disappointments, through surprises, through all things.

Worship is a lifestyle. It's not a once-a-week thing.

He created us for His pleasure.

We are less than dirt, yet He loved us so that He picked us up and grasped us in His all powerful hands.

Let us give glory to Him for all that we do, for it is He who makes all things possible.

When I first began this blog, I didn't want to write about Christianity.

I thought I could separate a part of my life from Christianity, and therefore from worship.

I now know this is not possible.

"From dirt we are created, and to dirt our corporeal selves return. Our ethereal selves come from Him and to Him we seek to return..."

30 Minutes Before

If you could rewind time to 30 minutes ago.

Would you accomplish something more useful?

Live as you have nothing to waste.

Live life for there's always more to taste.

Easier said than done.

Insecurity

How long will I continue building this tower with sand?

It is finished, and in a matter of seconds everything that I have worked so hard to build crumples away to nothing.

Insecurity.

It is to have confidence yet with the very same confidence say that one lacks confidence.

True Spotlight

What is true spotlight?

In short, it's humility.

Explained, it is love, patience, kindness, and the entourage.

It's to never boast.

I feel the need to say something unnecessary on many occasions.

Things that have no need to be revealed to others.

Only to gain the spotlight. Only to get attention.

It's not true spotlight.

To have the true spotlight is to keep things to myself.

To let my words be few, for in time all things will come to be revealed.

It's to bear the pain by myself.

Sometimes what I experience can bring others pain.

My sufferings.

There's no need for others to be in pain for my sake.

For in time all pain will go away. Eventually.

True spotlight will never be in sight.

Still In Awe

A random thought drifted into my mind today.

How have my impressions of my friends changed?

It's actually crazy how I could become acquainted with so many.

It's beyond my understanding how I got to know each and every one.

Life has never been the same since.

[Well, by logic each moment is unique...]

The first CCM bonfire that I went to, I remember it so well.

After all, I met more than half the people I know now then and there.

Sarah Yang. Miri introduced me to her. She lied saying she was half-Korean and her name was Sarah Marshall. Who would've known this girl would become one of my most trusted friends?

Cathy Min. She just randomly came up to me and said hi. I didn't really get to know her here but this is when I met Cathy for the first time. I initially thought Cathy was a F.O.B. Who knew she would be this crazy Beyonce + photographer + CL?

Caroline Kang. Funny. My initial impression of Caroline hasn't changed all that much. I still remember the smore[s?] she made for me upon my request. One of the best I've ever tasted, although I regretted eating it since it was so late at night and ended up not sleeping out of guilt.

Jessica Kim! This girl.. she left the biggest impression on me this day. But my, oh my. How wrong my initial impression was. We had a mutual friend but I had never seen Jessica before. Somehow, I figured out that she was the Jessica my friend was talking about. Weird. Anyways.. thanks for lying to me saying your name was Chunsah...

Wow. I am amazed. I am humbled to have known these people. To have shared my first year with these people.. what a privilege. I am still in awe.

Calm After The Storm

I know, I know. The usual saying would be the "calm before the storm." I just couldn't think of anything better. Actually, I didn't really think at all. That's the title that first came to my mind and that's the title that I'll use. I'm feeling very optimistic right now.

Only through hardships one can truly appreciate life. I feel like that right now. It's been so frustrating thinking about what I need to do from now on, and I reckon it'll continue to be frustrating. But I'm hopeful in what plans are in store for me. I have plans made. I know very well that things might not work out the way I expect, but that's fine and dandy. As long as I realize that I am loved I know that there's something in store for me, and in the end I have something to look forward to.

My mind is very calm right now. I have lots of things to think about but I'm not stressed at all. I kid. I might be a wee bit stressed. But the important thing is that I'm happy.

I only hope I can still fix things.

Dreaming Reality

It's interesting that I can think of so many interesting questions.
But then again, I'm sure many people have already thought about this one.

What if this life you consider reality is, in fact, just a dream?
What if one day you wake up, and half your life has just been a really long fantasy?

It really comes down to two things.
I would be distraught with despair but simultaneously be happy and hopeful.

I would be happy that I could start my life over. There are so many things that I've done that I regret. Some people say that they don't regret anything. I think that's a lie. To be human is to be imperfect. We make mistakes. It's important that we don't live on regrets alone because there are much more to look forward to. We just don't have time to look back. I regret many things. If my life has been a dream, I would be sad. All the friends I've made, all the things I've done. They would all be pieces. Strings of my imagination. [Just the fact that a dream, which is all created from the mind, could be this intricate would be kind of scary...] It would sadden me that my friends are no more. That my life is no more. However, the hope that I can live a better life than what my previous life has been would give me joy. So much joy.

If my life has been a dream, let me at least keep it in my memory forever to eternally cherish.